A LECHEROUS MAN once said, “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
Well, Santa, my heart has almost always been set on the wide world of sports.
A fresh pair of socks — strangely, one of your recent favorites — only last so long. A triple overtime thriller? Well, that’s unforgettable.
So I’ll leave the material desires to the hordes of scamps writing you about Xbox games, Zhu Zhu pets and Easy Bake ovens this holiday season.
Rather, I ask your assistance in the athletic realm.
You came through on a couple of items from my wish list last year — thanks again for that shot clock — so I know you’ve got some sway.
And while I may not have been nice this year, I most certainly haven’t been naughty either.
It appears Tiger Woods leaves me in the dust — Or is it the sand trap? — in that department.
So, without further ado, here’s my list:
• Civic turf — OK, so maybe this costs money, but our communities sorely need artificial turf fields.
As any “Twilight” fan knows, it rains a whole lot on the North Olympic Peninsula.
Thus, our fields inevitably devolve into mud patches every year.
Throw out a few duck blinds, and one could score a daily limit hunting the wetlands dotting Port Angeles’ Civic Field.
If you could get our cities to pony up some dough (about $1.5 million), our athletes can look forward to less injuries, more field use and less need for laundry detergent.
We could even get a few state playoff football games out this way for a change (the WIAA will only use fields with artificial turf for such contests).
Everyone wins . . . except, perhaps, the people who make liquid Tide.
• Give me a lift — Maybe this is just my crotch talking, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could replace the Poma lift at Hurricane Ridge with something more modern?
Those little disks so serve their purpose (getting me back up the mountain). They’re also a little uncomfortable in a region I hold near and dear.
We wouldn’t want to endanger your future fans would we, Mr. Kringle?
This might take a small bit of wrangling with the National Park Service, but surely they’ll listen to you.
Weren’t you the one who took that deformed reindeer off their hands?
• Late rivalry — Not to foster divisiveness during such a unifying season, but there’s a certain feud I’d like to see played out every October.
Now that the Port Angeles Roughriders will be in Class 2A with their Sequim rivals, it’s time for the two to meet on the football field at the end of the season.
Games between the two have been scheduled for early September ever since the rivalry was renewed in 2004.
That hardly matches the drama that would build if the Riders and Wolves met with their seasons on the line.
This one seems like a no-brainer, so I might not even need your help.
Of course, it never hurts to ask.
• Visionary Hawk — The Seattle Seahawks have ruined more perfectly good Sundays than I can count.
Having to watch them each week is a special kind of torture, one I would wish on no man, woman or child.
Now that The Man Who Let Steve Hutchinson Go is gone (former general manager Tim Ruskell), it’s time for Seattle to get a man with some vision running the show.
Normally, Santa, I wouldn’t care, but my job demands that I pay attention to the Hawks.
All I ask is they be halfway interesting.
• Prodigal league — I’d love to see LeBron James in person.
Yet ever since the NBA bolted Seattle for the Dust Bowl, I have to take a four-hour drive down to Portland to do so.
I’m as big a fan of the City of Roses as the next guy, but I’d like to get the League closer to home.
We are talking about a place that’s done more than its share of giving when it comes to hoops.
You can thank Seattle for Brandon Roy, Spencer Hawes, Nate Robinson, Jason Terry and Aaron Brooks, just to name a few.
(Even the Peninsula produced Bernie Fryer and John Stroeder.)
Couldn’t you convince Memphis to let the Grizzlies out of their lease?
They’ve been near the bottom in attendance the last five years, and they’ve already got Graceland.
What more does a city need?
________Matt Schubert is the outdoors and sports columnist for the Peninsula Daily News. His column regularly appears on Thursdays and Fridays. He can be reached at email@example.com.