IT WAS DAYLIGHT on the river, but I was not on a river. This was strange since I was on a fishing trip of sorts.
It was a fishing expedition up my colon. The holidays are full of the spirit of the season, when we celebrate the joy of giving with sugar plums, fruit cakes and the Christmas colonoscopy.
The holiday season can be an extremely stressful time of year.
You can hardly say “Merry Christmas” without offending someone. But the fact remains that no matter how many different religious, pagan and corporate ways there are to celebrate the holidays, we all share a common colon.
It’s something we can all celebrate together during this special season.
There are some people who are just hard to shop for. Like your overbearing boss, your underhanded co-workers and seasonably depressed family members. Santa put a video game in their socks on Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning it wasn’t violent enough.
Chances are, we all have someone we’d like to open a picture of our colon on Christmas morning. We owe it to ourselves to let that special someone know just how we feel.
A colonoscopy is diagnostic, therapeutic and the perfect springboard for my new reality TV career. My agent said it would get me more exposure and expand my career into limitless horizons. The network was going to call the show “Colonoscopy with the Stars.”
Each week, celebrities would drop by for a picture of their colon. A panel of judges, audience members and all the folks at home would match the mystery colon to the celebrity guest for cash and prizes.
The celebrity lineup for the initial “Colonoscopy with the Stars” episodes would include some of the biggest colons in show business. Sensing competition, I knew I had to get my own colonoscopy before the other show business weasels stole my idea.
Getting ready for the big day was all part of the fun. The party started with a special cocktail that kicked like a mule and hit like a triple dose of elk-camp chili.
It was just a precaution to make sure there was no gas in the lower unit when they hit it with the laser. You don’t want an explosion in the nether regions! That could be messy.
You want that colon as clean as a whistle. After all, it’s Christmas when we want to share the best with our family and friends!
I checked into the plush celebrity colonoscopy suites at the medical center. The TV was excellent. I could see myself up there on the small screen giving the greatest performance of my career.
But first, I had to answer a series of skill-testing questions, like, what was my name and was anyone threatening me with physical violence. I had to admit that of course I was being threatened.
As a wilderness gossip columnist, the list of individuals, organizations and government agencies not threatening me would be shorter.
Then I got very sleepy. I went to a happy place with champagne wishes and Viagra dreams, where I sent everyone on my Christmas list a picture of my colon.
When I awoke, my adoring fans said I gave the best performance of my career.
There were tears in the judge’s eyes.
That’s what it’s all about. To provide a shining beacon to the little people too numerous to mention who made my reality TV career what it is today.
If I had just one Christmas wish, I would borrow a phrase from a favorite Christmas carol: May your days be merry and bright, and may all your colonoscopies be right!
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Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.
He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patnealproductions@gmail.com.
