BY NOW, I’M pretty sure we’ve all had it up to here with those phony Christmas letters some people keep sending year after year. You know the ones, where people brag about how good they got it while sharing the intimate details of their medical problems. Anything they can do, I can do better.
There is no better time than Christmas to leak the details of my all-new, reality TV show career that highlights my medical problems and solves the Christmas gift-giving challenge at the same time.
We all know the holidays can be very stressful because some people are just too hard to shop for. Like your underhanded, overbearing co-workers, seasonally depressed, dysfunctional family members or failing business associates. You know the ones.
Nothing is quite good enough for them. Santa put a video game in their stocking last Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning, the ingrates said it wasn’t violent enough. We owe it to ourselves to share the joy of the holiday season and let that special someone know just how special they are.
What better way to celebrate the joy of the season than with a celebrity-packed action drama with a lot of big-screen, big gross potential where contestants take home a heartwarming gift for family and friends? All just in time for Christmas.
The studio is going to call it, “Colonoscopy with the Stars.” A colonoscopy is diagnostic, therapeutic and the perfect springboard for my new reality TV career.
My agent said the show will get me more exposure and expand my career into limitless horizons.
Each week, celebrities will drop by for a colonoscopy to get a picture of their colon. A panel of judges, audience members and all the folks at home will match the mystery colon to the celebrity for cash and prizes. The celebrity lineup for CWS includes some of the biggest colons in show business.
Sensing competition, I knew I had to get my own colonoscopy before the other show business weasels stole my idea. I checked into the plush celebrity colonoscopy suites that had been specially reserved at the medical center. While watching TV, I could imagine seeing myself up there on the small screen, giving the greatest performance of my career, while solving the holiday gift-giving challenge at the same time. I’m a multi-tasker!
I’m pretty sure we all have someone in our lives who we’d like to unwrap a picture of our colon on Christmas morning. It’s a gift that says we appreciate them in no uncertain terms. But first, I had to answer a series of skill-testing questions to move on to the next round.
Questions like, “What is my name and was anyone threatening me with physical violence?” I told the nurse that, of course, I was being threatened. I am a fishing guide on a river where death threats are the sincerest form of flattery.
As a wilderness gossip columnist, the list of individuals, organizations and government agencies that are not threatening me would be shorter.
Then it got very sleepy. I went to a happy place with champagne wishes and Viagra dreams.
When I awoke, my adoring fans said I gave a perfect performance.
There were tears in the judge’s eyes. That’s what it’s all about. To provide a shining beacon to the little people too numerous to mention, who made my reality TV career what it is today.
If I had but one Christmas wish, I would borrow a phrase from a favorite Christmas carol: May your days be merry and bright, and may all your colonoscopies be right!
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Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.
He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patnealproductions@gmail.com.
