PAT NEAL: The backcountry’s Sasquatch people

THE ANNUAL SASQUATCH Summit at Ocean Shores is always a hoot, and this year was no exception.

This is a gathering of some of the most famous Bigfoot hunters in the country.

Fortunately, in the enlightened age in which we live, today’s Bigfoot hunters have abandoned the quest for a specimen of what they call “the creature.”

That’s a relief. Our most famous Bigfoot hunter, Sequim’s own Grover Krantz, Ph.D., was known as the father of cryptozoology, or the study of creatures that might or might not exist.

He designed his own Sasquatch-hunting helicopter. Armed with heat-seeking technology and plenty of firepower, Krantz’s invention never got off the ground before his death.

Today’s Sasquatch seekers say they have come to realize, through the DNA analysis of Sasquatch hair, droppings and nail clippings, that what they used to call “the creature, the monster and the missing link” is in fact human.

They are large, hairy humans, but can’t we celebrate diversity and accept others whose physical appearance may be different than our own?

You would never think of calling a logger a “brush ape” — to their face, anyway — so why is it OK to call the Sasquatch people “swamp monsters?”

This startling new DNA evidence proves what the Native Americans have said all along: The Sasquatch are people.

Still, Bigfoot hunters want to prove the existence of the Sasquatch people so they can be protected.

Given our record of protecting other indigenous people, I’d head for the hills if I were a Sasquatch.

Now that they’re considered human, the Sasquatch people can contribute to the fabric of our nation’s economy that makes our country so cool.

It’s only fair now that the Sasquatch people have been accepted as human by the Sasquatch researchers, the Sasquatch People should be able to purchase the same permits we all must have to to be on public land.

For example, if a family of four Sasquatch people wanted to go camping in Olympic National Park, they would need either an annual pass for $50 or a weekly pass for $10 per Sasquatch.

In addition, there are special backcountry-use permits that require you to say where you will be camping for how long.

These permits are available for five bucks a night per person.

In addition, the Sasquatch people would need to be aware of the Backcountry Reservation system and rent or purchase an $80 bearproof canister where required by law.

The budget-minded Sasquatch people might try to go camping on state land to beat the system, but that would require a $35 Discover Pass.

This is so unfair. The Discover Pass was designed to subsidize the state park campgrounds full of million-dollar motorhomes and plush RV campers.

As of press time, there is no credible evidence of a Sasquatch person ever getting a driver’s license.

Washington will give just about anyone a driver’s license. Denying the Sasquatch people a driver’s license is discrimination in its most insidious form.

The important research of various Sasquatch researchers has also documented the Sasquatch people engaged in hunting deer, fishing and digging clams.

Now that they have been proven to be human, the Sasquatch people should have an opportunity to acquire the hunting, fishing and shellfish licenses that allow the rest of us the privilege to harvest these resources.

In addition, all Sasquatch people must obey our fish and game laws, which means no more snacking on our iconic and endangered Olympic marmots.

If the Sasquatch people know what is good for them, they would keep from being discovered as long as humanly possible.

_________

Pat Neal is a fishing guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.

He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patneal wildlife@gmail.com.

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