PAT NEAL: Real questions asked by real tourists

Published 1:30 am Wednesday, July 8, 2026

WE’VE ALL HEARD the phrase, “There is no such thing as a stupid question.”

That was never said by anyone working in the trenches of the tourist industry.

For example, when someone asks, “What is the elevation?” while standing at the beach. That is a stupid question.

With the swarms of tourists assaulting the Olympic Peninsula this summer, it might be a good time to provide some answers to other often-asked tourist questions.

Tourists come in all shapes and sizes, from the daredevil bicycle tourists to the mega-motor homes dragging a Humvee in the endless search for yet another dump station before the holding tank explodes.

The fact is, all tourists need our help. Often, just a simple suggestion can make a real difference between a vacation nightmare and a quality recreational experience.

Remember, but for the grace of God, we could all be tourists. Who’ve suffered untold miles of vacation stress. Enduring our aging infrastructure, braving long lines waiting for food, fuel, airplanes, ferries and road construction while paying seasonally adjusted fuel prices as they flood our area in a never-ending pursuit of solitude.

It is our duty as ambassadors of the tourist industry to help these confused individuals drive over the traffic counter, get an informative brochure printed on recycled materials and go home.

Inevitably, our tourists will have questions. This can provide us with an opportunity to be ambassadors of goodwill to our fellow man, by providing our visitors with vital information on the recreational opportunities available in this emerald, green paradise we call home.

How you do this is anyone’s guess. It helps to be friendly, empathetic and informative. If you can fake that, you have a future in tourism. I charge tourists $5 per question — but then, I am a professional. If I don’t know the answer to a tourist question, I make one up.

Here are some real questions asked by real tourists.

The most popular one seems to be, “Where are the restrooms?”

This is a sensitive subject. One person’s comfort station is another’s toxic waste dump. Given the infrequency our public toilets are maintained, it’s sometimes best to just hand the tourists a shovel and tell them our restrooms are as big as all outdoors.

“Is the weather always like this?” Of course, except when it’s not.

“When is the tide?” Many tourists have never seen an ocean and have no idea the tide goes in and out twice a day. Knowing the tide can be the difference between being stranded on a sea stack or getting crushed by beach logs. Check the tide tables!

“Is there any gold on the Olympic Peninsula?” Of course there is. With the increasing price of this precious metal, people want to know where to find it. The government doesn’t want you to know about all the gold waiting to be found in the Olympic Mountains, but I can sell you a map to any number of lost gold mines for just $5, including shipping and handling.

“Why is the water blue?” This question is often asked about the blue color of Lake Crescent and the Hoh River. It’s a no-brainer. Water by itself is a boring, colorless liquid. That’s why the park rangers spruce up the scenery with gallons of colorful dye in these waters every morning as soon as they get to work.

“When is the fishing good?” Generally, the week before you get here and the week after you leave.

“Why do loggers wear suspenders?” Loggers are all about fashion.

“How can I find Bigfoot?” You can’t. Bigfoot must find you.

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Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.

He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patnealproductions@gmail.com.