IT WAS GOING to be one of those days when anything could happen.
I was embarking on a new reality television career.
My agent said it was a part that would give me more exposure and expand my career into limitless horizons.
There was almost no doubt the money, fame and tax shelters would soon follow. Not to mention the fine-tuned sense of revenge on the Cretans who said I would never make it in show business.
Still, it was humbling just to be offered a chance to be part of a new television series that would revolutionize our modern entertainment experience.
For far too long, watching television has been a harrowing experience of shock and horror.
Our senses have been overwhelmed with screen images filled with violent, senseless examples of a divided culture in a final state of decline, disruption and decadence that reminds one of the fall of the Roman Empire with smartphones — and that’s just the evening news.
The rest of the TV lineup is worse than that.
And here I was being offered a chance to change television as we know it.
It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to introduce to American audiences an educational, inspirational and uplifting viewing experience that would provide a shining beacon to humanity.
Well, forget the fame and fortune. It was enough to help others with a strong story line and a happy ending.
Excited beyond words, I began prepping for the audition.
It was a harrowing experience not unlike what we professional actors call method acting. That’s where the actor attempts to perform a sincere and emotionally expressive performance by fully inhabiting the role of the character.
Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman are all method actors, and I figured anything they could do, I could do better.
Truly inhabiting the character in this new reality show seemed to take forever, but it was necessary to get into the flow of the story.
I began prepping the day before the audition by drinking a gallon or so of a certain beverage.
In the interest of full-disclosure let me just say, I did require drugs to fully get into character, but these were not recreational pharmaceuticals, no.
Just a certain tonic to get my body to perform.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to meet the director’s bizarre demands, and if that’s what it takes, we method actors do what we have to do to practice our craft and get the part.
I had a lot riding on my new career.
Failure was not an option because if I blew it, I would have to endure a second audition.
After I was sufficiently prepared, I checked into the luxury suites at the Olympic Medical Center.
This was the secret location for the new reality show, “Colonoscopy with the Stars,” where each week some of the biggest colons in show business will drop by for a video tour of their colons.
Then, a panel of judges, audience members and all the folks at home will match the mystery colons to the stars for cash and prizes.
“Colonoscopy with the Stars” is diagnostic and therapeutic.
It could help you avoid the fate of 50,000 Americans who die from colorectal cancer every year.
I knew I had to get my colonoscopy first before all the other show business weasels horned in on my idea.
At one point, things got very sleepy.
I went away to a happy place and came back again with a pristine colon. And that is how a star is born.
Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.
He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via [email protected].