PAT NEAL: The woodpecker war, continued

THEY SAY THERE’S no place like home, that home is where your heart is and every man’s home is his castle. All of which may be very true.

Unless you are living with woodpeckers. Then your home may be a castle but it is under siege from an enemy that has every intention of driving you out of your home and out of your mind thinking up ways to battle these pernicious invaders.

Make no mistake: Once the woodpeckers set their sights on your home, your life just took a turn for the worse.

Forget going to bed early. Woodpeckers work until dark. Forget sleeping in late. Woodpeckers start pounding at the break of day.

Between the hours of dawn and dark, the woodpeckers attack when you least expect it, leaving you with a house that has more holes in it than one of my fish stories.

In short, woodpeckers can ruin your life.

Take this column, for instance. It would have been an enlightening, amusing, culturally uplifting story that gave one hope instead of a depressing tale of a plague of woodpeckers and how they ruined my life.

In last week’s episode, I had discovered the woodpeckers had drilled a hole about the size of a grapefruit in the wall of my home and littered the lawn with shower of pink insulation in the process.

They replaced the insulation with bundles of sticks and moss with which they would construct a nest.

Over my dead body! I couldn’t shoot the woodpeckers. That is illegal and besides I would blow a hole in the wall. I couldn’t set fire to the woodpeckers as that would burn my own house down.

Instead, I had to match wits with the woodpecker and the woodpeckers won.

It was hardly a fair contest. I was outnumbered by the woodpeckers two to one. Then outmaneuvered at every turn by these conniving creatures.

It seemed foolproof enough. I had planned to wait until the woodpeckers flew into the nest in the wall and catch them with a long-handled fish net when they flew out, then drive these horrible birds to Eastern Washington for a well-deserved vacation.

One day after many hours in the blind I saw a woodpecker fly into the wall. I sprang into action. Sneaking up to a position just beneath the nest I pounded on the wall to scare the woodpecker hoping it would fly out into the waiting net. Just then the phone rang.

Now, I hate telephones almost as much as I hate woodpeckers but that’s a guide’s life.

When the phone rings you have to answer it or give up eating. During the confusion I dropped the phone.

When I bent over to pick it up there was a whooshing sound as the woodpecker exited the nest and disappeared into the underbrush.

It was a robo-call! I thought those were illegal.

The woodpecker had won round one. I retreated to reconnoiter the situation.

The woodpeckers were affecting my well-being. I couldn’t sleep without having nightmares of woodpeckers beating on the house, and when I awoke, there was a woodpecker drilling a new hole in the house.

Out on the lawn like freshly fallen snow, a new layer of pink insulation told me the woodpeckers shifted their attack from the north to the east wall.

I grabbed my fish net and waited until I was sure the woodpecker was inside its nest.

Opening the door, I was surprised by a pair of starlings that had taken over yesterday’s nest, the one the woodpeckers had abandoned.

That did it! I’m moving to Eastern Washington!

_________

Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.

He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patnealwild life@gmail.com.

More in Opinion

PAT NEAL: Telling the truth to tourists

NOW THAT THE tourists are here, it’s easy to remember why there’s… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: Summertime search and rescue

IT WAS ANOTHER tough week in the news, but what do you… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: A major miracle happening now

THERE’S A MAJOR miracle happening now, and you won’t read about it… Continue reading

Suzy Ames.
POINT OF VIEW: Together, we are resilient

I’VE LIVED IN this community for almost three years now. I know,… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: Bale bucking blues

DRIVING AROUND THE old hometown can make you feel old. Gone are… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: Survival of the wilderness pests

THIS IS A story about wilderness pests. It is told as a… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: The camas are blooming

THERE’S A LITTLE piece of history blooming now right along U.S. Highway… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: The call of the Swainson’s thrush

THIS MUST BE my favorite time of year. We’ve emerged from hibernation… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: The Olympic Peninsula driving guide

THE SIGNS OF the season are everywhere. The roar of the lawn… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: River birds decline, forecast the future for us

IT WAS DAYLIGHT on the river and no birds sang. It was… Continue reading

PAT NEAL: We’re opening the Upper Hoh Road

OFTEN WHILE GLIDING along the paved roads of the Olympic Peninsula, you… Continue reading

OUR VIEW: Community continues to support local journalism

LOCAL NEWSPAPERS CONTINUE to decline at a rapid rate, from an average… Continue reading