PORT HADLOCK — Protecting domestic violence victims is certainly a worthy cause, says therapist Diane Kelly, but she adds, what about getting to the root of the problem?
Since 1993, Kelly has been treating perpetrators of domestic violence, under a state-sanctioned program, and said she has seen a success rate of about 50 percent with those who batter or try to control their spouses or children.
“It occurred to me that I never see anything about it,” Kelly said at her Port Hadlock office in the Shold Business Park, where she has treated some of the thousands of men through the Domestic Violence Perpetrator Treatment Program, defined under state law.
“It’s mostly about the victim, but nobody knows about the perpetrator.”
A Jefferson County resident, Kelly also has an office in Poulsbo.
She treats court-ordered perpetrators as well as “self-referred” clients, those who realize they have a problem and seek help on their own.
“They become frightened with their own behavior,” she said. “They’re at risk of losing their family or have been given an ultimatum.”
Kelly said she happened into the business of counseling others after once becoming violent herself.
“I started anger management after beating up a cop,” she said, recalling her own outburst after confronting an officer about her son’s whereabouts.
“I thought, ‘God, I’ve got to do something.’ I didn’t want to end up in prison.”
She became a victims’ advocate and later earned her bachelor’s degree at The Evergreen State College and a master’s degree in psychology at Pacific Lutheran University.
She has been counseling others since the early 1980s, including those with substance abuse or mental health problems.
Although most of her clients are men, Kelly said women also are among those arrested for investigation of domestic violence.
“They often are fighting back” in an abusive relationship,” she said, saying she had suffered abuse.
“Most counselors get into the business for a reason,” she said. “It’s certainly not the money.”
Domestic violence is a deadly matter, she said, saying that more than two woman a year on average are killed by their spouses in Washington state.
“Usually they are leaving when it happens,” she said. “He’s losing control. It’s all over for him.”
Can start young
Controlling behavior can begin at a young age, she said.
A young person might show the tendency through abusing or killing small animals.
Another sign could be a teenager or young man buying his girlfriend a cell phone with a Global Positioning System so he can track her every move.
“And it just escalates from there,” she said. “The girl thinks he does it because he loves her.”
“Domestic violence is calculating, and is a pattern,” she said. “It is used to get what they want.”
That’s why she believes that recognizing and understanding the signs of domestic violence should be routinely taught in schools.
The worst cases she has encountered, she said, included a client who killed his spouse then himself while Kelly was on vacation and a man who locked up his wife in an airplane hangar, beat her until she was black, blue and swollen, even breaking her family heirlooms to exert control.
“Most of the guys have been in abusive homes themselves,” she said. “Many come from such homes and think it’s normal.”
In Jefferson County, her clientele is middle- to lower-income men, many who are struggling with the economic downturn.
Typically, she provides group sessions every three months for up to 10 men.
The program is for 26 weeks, with a 90-minute session each week. That is followed by six monthly individual sessions.
The program aims to stop emotional, physical, verbal or sexual abuse by family members.
It teaches the dynamics of anger and domestic violence, and how to become accountable for one’s behavior and stop blaming the victims.
The program also aims to better communication skills and elevate self-esteem. It teaches stress management techniques.
Kelly can be reached at 360-379-2830 or 360-779-9288.
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Port Townsend-Jefferson County Editor Jeff Chew can be reached at 360-385-2335 or at jeff.chew@peninsuladailynews.com.
